tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-79385574723964894072024-03-08T08:37:15.387-08:00HEADLIENESRusty Spellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04192027160446175143noreply@blogger.comBlogger17125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7938557472396489407.post-12963801604945053422014-05-26T19:37:00.000-07:002014-05-26T19:43:08.035-07:00Pope Francis Insults, ConfusesPope Francis will soon be meeting with a group of sex abuse victims at the Vatican because, as he explains, "Those who were raped by priests would love nothing more than to have a conversation with the the head priest in a larger-than-life version of the place where it happened."<p>
Francis also said that he would show "zero tolerance" for anyone who sexually abused children. "Does this mean you will finally turn them over to the police when you find out?" a reporter asked. The pope answered: "What? Police? Oh, no. I just mean we won't let them around that kid anymore, like we've always done. Police? What are you talking about?"<p>
The pope then added, "Sexual abuse is such an ugly crime... a priest who does this betrays the body of the Lord." The reporter clarified: "Don't you mean it has done the worst thing imaginable to the body of the <i>victim</i>?" The pope answered: "Yes, the victim is Jesus. Every time a child is molested, Jesus's body is betrayed. Why do you keep talking about the kid? Your questions make no sense."<p>
The reporter asked for clarification on the way the pope sees sexual abuse by priests on children: "It is like a Satanic mass." The reporter, by now breathless with frustration, said, "You mean that raping children is like pretending that a cracker is the body of Satan and wine is the blood of Satan? Is that what you mean?" The pope answered: "Yes, you finally got it. Don't you agree that sexual abuse is like a Satanic mass?"<p>
Last February, the United Nations Committee on the Rights of the Child stated, in a report, the fact that the Vatican had -- over and over -- ignored and/or covered up child rape by its priests. The Vatican called the report "unfair and ideologically slanted." When asked the clarify, the Vatican said, "You are holding us up to the standard of a normal, ethical person who would never dream of abusing a child in the first place and would certainly want the offender to be properly punished by law if found out. That is an ideal that the Vatican simply cannot live up to. You see, we do whatever the fuck we want, you piece of shit."<p>
<a href ="http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/sns-rt-us-pope-abuse-20140526,0,3598628.story">Read the full story here.</a><p>Rusty Spellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04192027160446175143noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7938557472396489407.post-51274384105489197792014-05-05T12:34:00.000-07:002014-05-05T12:34:53.081-07:00Supreme Court Allows Muslim Prayer Rugs, Hindu Mantra Chanting, and Even Satanic Prayers at Government MeetingsIn a surprise ruling, the Supreme Court has allowed every kind of prayer imaginable to be held before government meetings. While four of the judges argued that this was a violation of the establishment clause of the first amendment, the other five said, "No, it isn't."<p>
Predictably, Christians are the group most upset at this ruling, since it forces them to sit through prayers that may not align with their faiths, which they of course prefer to practice at home as Jesus himself instructed ("And whenever you pray, do not be like the hypocrites; for they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and at the street corners, so that they may be seen by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward. But whenever you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you." --Matthew 6:5-6).<p>
"Prayer is very personal to me," said one Christian observer. "To have to hear it before a town hall meeting is insulting, blasphemous, unnecessary, and tacky."<p>
Another said, "Even if everyone in the room were Christian, they're not the same kind of Christian as me. We do not share the same beliefs or the same prayers."<p>
<a href="http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2014/05/05/supreme-court-government-prayer-new-york/4481969/">Read the full story here.</a><p>Rusty Spellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04192027160446175143noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7938557472396489407.post-89644552403132256092014-03-01T21:16:00.000-08:002014-03-01T21:16:43.556-08:00Coroner Nearly Kills Elderly Man. Family Demands Justice.In Lexington, Mississippi, 78-year-old Walter Williams was wrongly declared dead by the local coroner, Dexter Howard. Williams was already in a body bag and ready to be embalmed for his funeral when he woke up kicking in what must have been the most terrifying moment of his life.<br />
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When questioned, the coroner said, "It's a miracle!" When directed to give a real answer, Howard said, "Maybe his pacemaker kicked in?" The coroner, an elected official, is expected to be removed from his post.<br />
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The family of Walter Williams was, naturally, upset and has released the following statement:<br />
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"We are very happy that our father is alive, of course, but we are outraged at the level of incompetence and the suffering that this man made us and our father go through. We thought our father was dead and were dealing with that grief, and it turns out we could have had some of these precious, final moments with him. Instead, he was living a claustrophobic and surreal nightmare thanks to some idiot who thinks that he can prey on our belief in God by declaring this strange episode a 'miracle.' Well, if it is a miracle, then it's the shittiest miracle God has ever performed."<br />
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<a href="http://www.cnn.com/2014/02/28/us/dead-man-comes-back-life/">Read the full story here.</a>Rusty Spellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04192027160446175143noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7938557472396489407.post-78201633931676715692013-11-06T20:11:00.000-08:002013-11-06T20:13:53.309-08:00Pope Uses Man as Prop for Newest Photo OpPope Francis is working on a collection of photographs about himself to be titled <i>The Pope Condescends</i>. He's already been seen washing feet, taking a bus, and refusing to wear a cape. As one observer put it, "Imagine a horribly abusive yet powerful man wearing a top hat. Now imagine a horribly abusive yet powerful man without a top hat. Francis is the guy without a top hat."<br />
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The newest photograph that will enter <i>The Pope Condescends</i> is a picture of Francis kissing a horribly disfigured man. When reached for comment, the Pope said, "Can you believe I actually touched this disgusting piece of shit? I mean, people line up to kiss my ring, and here I am grossing myself out with his boily-ass face."<br />
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It has been reported that Catholics and non-Catholics alike have been wetting their panties for the picture. "He's just like Jesus," one fan screamed. "Except that, unlike Jesus who apparently had the power to heal people in this condition, Francis just closes his eyes earnestly and waits for the flashbulbs. He's an absolute dream!"<br />
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<a href="http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/on-faith/wp/2013/11/06/photos-pope-francis-embraces-disfigured-man-covered-in-boils/">Read the full story here.</a>Rusty Spellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04192027160446175143noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7938557472396489407.post-19760946517016256012013-09-19T22:09:00.002-07:002013-09-20T19:10:40.393-07:00Pope Thinks Church Shouldn't Talk About Their Hates So MuchPope Francis thinks that homosexuality is a sin, that abortion is a sin, that contraception is a sin, and that all will earn you a spot in Hell. However, in a bold move, the Pope has encouraged the Catholic Church not to talk about these things so much.<br />
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In an interview, Pope Francis told a Jesuit journal, "Look, we already know that Catholics hate fags and women. We've been doing a good job of repressing homosexuals to the point of turning them to pedophilia. We've eliminated healthy options for women and their sexual partners. We've done a good job ruining sex for everyone. Let's think of some other area to fuck up."<br />
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But many are finding this liberal move to be too much. Said one Bishop, "Why can't we ruin the best part of humanity <i>and </i>verbally rub it in everyone's face that we're doing so? I mean, we didn't pull these rules out of our asses for nothin', did we?"<br />
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However, many are finding his views refreshing. One homosexual male had this to say: "For years I felt persecuted by the Catholic church, even though I was raised in the church and considered it my family. Sure, I have been irreparably damaged by them, as have people all across the world of every religion, but now it's nice to know that the new Pope has the dignity to not bring it up as much."<br />
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In a related story, a man who beats his wife regularly has vowed not to brag about it as frequently to his friends.<br />
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<a href="http://www.smh.com.au/world/pope-bluntly-faults-churchs-focus-on-gays-and-abortion-20130920-2u326.html">Read the full story here.</a>Rusty Spellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04192027160446175143noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7938557472396489407.post-59318688571964271762013-01-16T18:12:00.002-08:002013-01-16T18:14:11.657-08:00Rick Perry Wants To Get Rid of Your GunsWhile many in the politcal arena expected Governor Rick Perry of Texas to oppose the recent suggestions for stronger gun control, Perry trumped them all by suggesting that guns aren't needed at all. Only prayer is. "Laws, the only redoubt of secularism," Perry said, "will not suffice. Let us all return to our places of worship and pray for help. Above all, let us pray for our children."<p>
This statement was a clear indication that, for Perry, gun control wasn't enough, but that our only line of defense is prayer to God himself. Perry added: "God is a real bastard-bitch-motherfucker, and if you forget even for one day to talk to him while on your knees, he will whisper in some gunman's ear and have him kill your children. Sandy Hook was proof of this. Neither more guns nor less guns are the answer. All we can do is beg God not to kill us."<p>
<a href="http://www.chron.com/news/houston-texas/houston/article/Perry-pushes-prayer-not-legislation-to-fight-4199136.php">Read the full story here.</a>Rusty Spellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04192027160446175143noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7938557472396489407.post-81079514886190004042011-12-19T09:06:00.000-08:002011-12-19T09:06:56.133-08:00Mean Fat Kid in Class No One Likes Becomes Leader of a Country<a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2011/12/20/world/asia/an-enigmatic-young-son-steps-forward-or-seems-to.html">Read the full story here.</a>Rusty Spellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04192027160446175143noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7938557472396489407.post-65891230873350227932011-12-16T07:54:00.000-08:002011-12-16T07:54:27.072-08:00LifeWay Christian Resources Wants Women to Get Breast CancerLifeWay Christian Resources, part of the Southern Baptist Convention, are all about spreading the word of God, until it actually does someone any good. They recalled their pink Bibles when they found out the money went toward breast cancer screenings. A spokesperson said, "Look, selling Bibles was about two things: 1. Making money. 2. Ensuring oppression through our specific view of the Christian religion. When we found out that the sales of these Bibles were helping people, and in a quantifiable way, we were of course mortified." The spokesperson also claimed that this recall had something to do with abortion, but our research does not support his claim.<br />
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<a href="http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/239357.php">Read the full story here.</a>Rusty Spellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04192027160446175143noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7938557472396489407.post-85560254261453259992011-04-27T10:27:00.000-07:002011-04-27T10:27:35.946-07:00Donald Trump Can't Decide If He's a Media Whore or an Actual Racist"It's funny," an unusually reflective Donald Trump told our reporter. "Back when I was picking on Rosie O'Donnell, it was just my way of getting attention, and it made me laugh. I think she even liked it a little." Trump pauses, then adds, "But this stuff with Obama's birth certificate... I think I might really be a racist." When asked if all the "birthers" who didn't have TV shows to promote were undoubtedly racists, Trump said, "Of course."<br />
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<a href="http://www.usatoday.com/news/washington/2011-04-27-obama-birth-certificate_n.htm?csp=34news">Read the full story here.</a>Rusty Spellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04192027160446175143noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7938557472396489407.post-82736113078873534042011-04-21T14:54:00.000-07:002011-04-21T14:55:32.313-07:00God Punishes Texas for Ignoring Separation of Church and StateTexas governor Rick Perry is asking his constituents to ask God to intervene in stopping the spread of wildfire caused by hot weather. However, when reached for contact, God himself said, "Why do you think I started those fires to begin with? Texas politicians have been pissing me off for years by blatantly ignoring separation of church and state." God added, "If the fires do stop, it will be natural causes, nothing to do with me. I've already washed my hands of the situation."<br />
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<a href="http://www.reuters.com/article/2011/04/21/us-texas-wildfires-idUSTRE73K7WY20110421">Read the full story.</a>Rusty Spellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04192027160446175143noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7938557472396489407.post-88699964846125315142011-02-24T15:42:00.000-08:002011-02-24T15:42:46.117-08:00Only .01 Percent of Americans Work Hard While Others Are LazySources show that ten percent of Americans do a marginally decent job in working hard and earning money for their families, under one percent do a good job, under .1 percent do a great job, and only .01 percent do an outstanding (almost unbelievable) job, apparently the only ones in the country who really try. Amazingly, ninety percent of Americans are shown to be lazy and unambitious, not able to bring in a decent income.<br />
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<a href="http://motherjones.com/politics/2011/02/income-inequality-in-america-chart-graph">Read the full story here.</a>Rusty Spellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04192027160446175143noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7938557472396489407.post-91622146338258145242011-01-14T09:07:00.000-08:002011-01-14T09:07:47.994-08:00Illinois Schools Appease Angry GodsMandatory "moments of silence" (a.k.a. prayers to the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob), which in Illinois schools had been deemed unconstitutional, are now considered constitutional. As the federal appeals court recently explained, "Hey, no one knows what the hell those students are doing during those ten seconds of silence. Maybe they're praying; maybe they're thinking about coloring books. Only our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ knows for sure." Since a moment of silence, if removed from the idea of prayer, becomes an arbitrary action, the schools also plan for mandatory touching of fingers to nose for five seconds, mandatory saying the word "lemon" twenty times in a row, and mandatory thinking about Neil Diamond's early years.<br />
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<a href="http://triblocal.com/schaumburg/2011/01/14/area-schools-look-to-comply-with-moment-of-silence/">Read the full story here.</a>Rusty Spellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04192027160446175143noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7938557472396489407.post-77544403500280974362011-01-09T20:34:00.000-08:002011-01-09T20:34:08.947-08:00AU Football Fans Continue To Destroy Own EnvironmentStudents have been toilet-papering historical 130-year-old oak trees after Auburn University football victories for decades, even though they know it's killing the trees. "Man, we just love this tradition," said one student. "Auburn has won every game this year and, if we win the bowl game on Monday, we figure the trees'll die for sure." When asked how fans will TP trees that no longer exist, the student looked confused and shouted, "War Eagle!"<br />
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<a href="http://www2.oanow.com/news/2011/jan/09/origin-toomers-tradition-uncertain-ar-1321039/">Read the full story here.</a>Rusty Spellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04192027160446175143noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7938557472396489407.post-29597533045495812962011-01-07T12:24:00.000-08:002011-01-07T12:24:35.092-08:00Millions of People Have Likely Been in Coma for Past Two YearsIf you've noticed that the world seems quieter lately, you're not alone. Joan Acocella, a writer for <i>The New York Times</i>, surmises that many people have been in comas for at least two years. If you want to find out who has been in a coma, ask them if they've read Stieg Larsson's Millennium trilogy (which begins with <i>The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo</i>). If they haven't, or simply don't answer, they are probably current or former coma victims.<br />
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<a href="http://www.newyorker.com/arts/critics/atlarge/2011/01/10/110110crat_atlarge_acocella">Read the full story here.</a>Rusty Spellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04192027160446175143noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7938557472396489407.post-77938580230194300562010-12-20T08:19:00.000-08:002010-12-20T13:04:24.953-08:00Pope Blames Celibacy for Child Molesting in the Catholic ChurchAfter years of blaming everything else (most recently secular pornography), Pope Benedict finally blames the chosen lifestyle of Catholic priests for sexual abuse toward children. "It's become clear now that absolute power over little boys paired with forced abstinence and no real consequences of their actions is a lethal combination," Pope Benedict said. The church plans to "phase out" celibacy among priests altogether and to finally turn in sex offenders to the police, rather than taking matters into their own hands.<br />
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<a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-12039499">Read the full story here.</a>Rusty Spellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04192027160446175143noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7938557472396489407.post-46050095998040045492010-12-09T17:49:00.000-08:002010-12-09T17:49:57.262-08:00US Senators Come Out of the ClosetSenators who block the appeal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" explain that this is their way of coming out of the closet. "Homophobia is a psychological problem," one explains, "that is rooted in self-hatred. This is our way of admitting that we're gay."<br />
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<a href="http://content.usatoday.com/communities/onpolitics/post/2010/12/senate-gays-in-military-/1">Read the full story here.</a>Rusty Spellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04192027160446175143noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7938557472396489407.post-52073884530746647932010-12-09T13:30:00.000-08:002010-12-09T17:51:40.480-08:00Republicans Admit That Blocking Health Care for 9/11 Responders Was Practical JokeIn a prank usually reserved for April Fool's Day, Republicans thought it would be "really funny" to pretend to deny health care to 9/11 responders. "Of course it was a joke," one Republican senator said. "9/11 has been our bread and butter for almost ten years. We'd be fools to do anything this stupid."<br />
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<a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2010/12/10/nyregion/10health.html?_r=1&hp">Read the full story here</a>Rusty Spellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04192027160446175143noreply@blogger.com0