HEADLIENES

Mean Fat Kid in Class No One Likes Becomes Leader of a Country

2011-12-19T09:06:00.000-08:00

LifeWay Christian Resources Wants Women to Get Breast Cancer

2011-12-16T07:54:00.000-08:00

LifeWay Christian Resources, part of the Southern Baptist Convention, are all about spreading the word of God, until it actually does someone any good. They recalled their pink Bibles when they found out the money went toward breast cancer screenings. A spokesperson said, "Look, selling Bibles was about two things: 1. Making money. 2. Ensuring oppression through our specific view of the Christian religion. When we found out that the sales of these Bibles were helping people, and in a quantifiable way, we were of course mortified." The spokesperson also claimed that this recall had something to do with abortion, but our research does not support his claim.

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Donald Trump Can't Decide If He's a Media Whore or an Actual Racist

2011-04-27T10:27:00.000-07:00

"It's funny," an unusually reflective Donald Trump told our reporter. "Back when I was picking on Rosie O'Donnell, it was just my way of getting attention, and it made me laugh. I think she even liked it a little." Trump pauses, then adds, "But this stuff with Obama's birth certificate... I think I might really be a racist." When asked if all the "birthers" who didn't have TV shows to promote were undoubtedly racists, Trump said, "Of course."

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God Punishes Texas for Ignoring Separation of Church and State

2011-04-21T14:54:00.000-07:00

Texas governor Rick Perry is asking his constituents to ask God to intervene in stopping the spread of wildfire caused by hot weather. However, when reached for contact, God himself said, "Why do you think I started those fires to begin with? Texas politicians have been pissing me off for years by blatantly ignoring separation of church and state." God added, "If the fires do stop, it will be natural causes, nothing to do with me. I've already washed my hands of the situation."

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Only .01 Percent of Americans Work Hard While Others Are Lazy

2011-02-24T15:42:00.000-08:00

Sources show that ten percent of Americans do a marginally decent job in working hard and earning money for their families, under one percent do a good job, under .1 percent do a great job, and only .01 percent do an outstanding (almost unbelievable) job, apparently the only ones in the country who really try. Amazingly, ninety percent of Americans are shown to be lazy and unambitious, not able to bring in a decent income.

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Illinois Schools Appease Angry Gods

2011-01-14T09:07:00.000-08:00

Mandatory "moments of silence" (a.k.a. prayers to the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob), which in Illinois schools had been deemed unconstitutional, are now considered constitutional. As the federal appeals court recently explained, "Hey, no one knows what the hell those students are doing during those ten seconds of silence. Maybe they're praying; maybe they're thinking about coloring books. Only our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ knows for sure." Since a moment of silence, if removed from the idea of prayer, becomes an arbitrary action, the schools also plan for mandatory touching of fingers to nose for five seconds, mandatory saying the word "lemon" twenty times in a row, and mandatory thinking about Neil Diamond's early years.

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AU Football Fans Continue To Destroy Own Environment

2011-01-09T20:34:00.000-08:00

Students have been toilet-papering historical 130-year-old oak trees after Auburn University football victories for decades, even though they know it's killing the trees. "Man, we just love this tradition," said one student. "Auburn has won every game this year and, if we win the bowl game on Monday, we figure the trees'll die for sure." When asked how fans will TP trees that no longer exist, the student looked confused and shouted, "War Eagle!"

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Millions of People Have Likely Been in Coma for Past Two Years

2011-01-07T12:24:00.000-08:00

If you've noticed that the world seems quieter lately, you're not alone. Joan Acocella, a writer for The New York Times, surmises that many people have been in comas for at least two years. If you want to find out who has been in a coma, ask them if they've read Stieg Larsson's Millennium trilogy (which begins with The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo). If they haven't, or simply don't answer, they are probably current or former coma victims.

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Pope Blames Celibacy for Child Molesting in the Catholic Church

2010-12-20T08:19:00.000-08:00

After years of blaming everything else (most recently secular pornography), Pope Benedict finally blames the chosen lifestyle of Catholic priests for sexual abuse toward children. "It's become clear now that absolute power over little boys paired with forced abstinence and no real consequences of their actions is a lethal combination," Pope Benedict said. The church plans to "phase out" celibacy among priests altogether and to finally turn in sex offenders to the police, rather than taking matters into their own hands.

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US Senators Come Out of the Closet

2010-12-09T17:49:00.000-08:00

Senators who block the appeal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" explain that this is their way of coming out of the closet. "Homophobia is a psychological problem," one explains, "that is rooted in self-hatred. This is our way of admitting that we're gay."

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Republicans Admit That Blocking Health Care for 9/11 Responders Was Practical Joke

2010-12-09T13:30:00.000-08:00

In a prank usually reserved for April Fool's Day, Republicans thought it would be "really funny" to pretend to deny health care to 9/11 responders. "Of course it was a joke," one Republican senator said. "9/11 has been our bread and butter for almost ten years. We'd be fools to do anything this stupid."

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