Pope Francis Insults, Confuses

Pope Francis will soon be meeting with a group of sex abuse victims at the Vatican because, as he explains, "Those who were raped by priests would love nothing more than to have a conversation with the the head priest in a larger-than-life version of the place where it happened."

Francis also said that he would show "zero tolerance" for anyone who sexually abused children. "Does this mean you will finally turn them over to the police when you find out?" a reporter asked. The pope answered: "What? Police? Oh, no. I just mean we won't let them around that kid anymore, like we've always done. Police? What are you talking about?"

The pope then added, "Sexual abuse is such an ugly crime... a priest who does this betrays the body of the Lord." The reporter clarified: "Don't you mean it has done the worst thing imaginable to the body of the victim?" The pope answered: "Yes, the victim is Jesus. Every time a child is molested, Jesus's body is betrayed. Why do you keep talking about the kid? Your questions make no sense."

The reporter asked for clarification on the way the pope sees sexual abuse by priests on children: "It is like a Satanic mass." The reporter, by now breathless with frustration, said, "You mean that raping children is like pretending that a cracker is the body of Satan and wine is the blood of Satan? Is that what you mean?" The pope answered: "Yes, you finally got it. Don't you agree that sexual abuse is like a Satanic mass?"

Last February, the United Nations Committee on the Rights of the Child stated, in a report, the fact that the Vatican had -- over and over -- ignored and/or covered up child rape by its priests. The Vatican called the report "unfair and ideologically slanted." When asked the clarify, the Vatican said, "You are holding us up to the standard of a normal, ethical person who would never dream of abusing a child in the first place and would certainly want the offender to be properly punished by law if found out. That is an ideal that the Vatican simply cannot live up to. You see, we do whatever the fuck we want, you piece of shit."

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Supreme Court Allows Muslim Prayer Rugs, Hindu Mantra Chanting, and Even Satanic Prayers at Government Meetings

In a surprise ruling, the Supreme Court has allowed every kind of prayer imaginable to be held before government meetings. While four of the judges argued that this was a violation of the establishment clause of the first amendment, the other five said, "No, it isn't."

Predictably, Christians are the group most upset at this ruling, since it forces them to sit through prayers that may not align with their faiths, which they of course prefer to practice at home as Jesus himself instructed ("And whenever you pray, do not be like the hypocrites; for they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and at the street corners, so that they may be seen by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward. But whenever you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you." --Matthew 6:5-6).

"Prayer is very personal to me," said one Christian observer. "To have to hear it before a town hall meeting is insulting, blasphemous, unnecessary, and tacky."

Another said, "Even if everyone in the room were Christian, they're not the same kind of Christian as me. We do not share the same beliefs or the same prayers."

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Coroner Nearly Kills Elderly Man. Family Demands Justice.

In Lexington, Mississippi, 78-year-old Walter Williams was wrongly declared dead by the local coroner, Dexter Howard. Williams was already in a body bag and ready to be embalmed for his funeral when he woke up kicking in what must have been the most terrifying moment of his life.

When questioned, the coroner said, "It's a miracle!"  When directed to give a real answer, Howard said, "Maybe his pacemaker kicked in?"  The coroner, an elected official, is expected to be removed from his post.

The family of Walter Williams was, naturally, upset and has released the following statement:

"We are very happy that our father is alive, of course, but we are outraged at the level of incompetence and the suffering that this man made us and our father go through.  We thought our father was dead and were dealing with that grief, and it turns out we could have had some of these precious, final moments with him.  Instead, he was living a claustrophobic and surreal nightmare thanks to some idiot who thinks that he can prey on our belief in God by declaring this strange episode a 'miracle.'  Well, if it is a miracle, then it's the shittiest miracle God has ever performed."

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Pope Uses Man as Prop for Newest Photo Op

Pope Francis is working on a collection of photographs about himself to be titled The Pope Condescends. He's already been seen washing feet, taking a bus, and refusing to wear a cape. As one observer put it, "Imagine a horribly abusive yet powerful man wearing a top hat. Now imagine a horribly abusive yet powerful man without a top hat. Francis is the guy without a top hat."

The newest photograph that will enter The Pope Condescends is a picture of Francis kissing a horribly disfigured man. When reached for comment, the Pope said, "Can you believe I actually touched this disgusting piece of shit? I mean, people line up to kiss my ring, and here I am grossing myself out with his boily-ass face."

It has been reported that Catholics and non-Catholics alike have been wetting their panties for the picture. "He's just like Jesus," one fan screamed. "Except that, unlike Jesus who apparently had the power to heal people in this condition, Francis just closes his eyes earnestly and waits for the flashbulbs. He's an absolute dream!"

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Pope Thinks Church Shouldn't Talk About Their Hates So Much

Pope Francis thinks that homosexuality is a sin, that abortion is a sin, that contraception is a sin, and that all will earn you a spot in Hell.  However, in a bold move, the Pope has encouraged the Catholic Church not to talk about these things so much.

In an interview, Pope Francis told a Jesuit journal, "Look, we already know that Catholics hate fags and women.  We've been doing a good job of repressing homosexuals to the point of turning them to pedophilia.  We've eliminated healthy options for women and their sexual partners.  We've done a good job ruining sex for everyone.  Let's think of some other area to fuck up."

But many are finding this liberal move to be too much.  Said one Bishop, "Why can't we ruin the best part of humanity and verbally rub it in everyone's face that we're doing so?  I mean, we didn't pull these rules out of our asses for nothin', did we?"

However, many are finding his views refreshing.  One homosexual male had this to say: "For years I felt persecuted by the Catholic church, even though I was raised in the church and considered it my family.  Sure, I have been irreparably damaged by them, as have people all across the world of every religion, but now it's nice to know that the new Pope has the dignity to not bring it up as much."

In a related story, a man who beats his wife regularly has vowed not to brag about it as frequently to his friends.

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Rick Perry Wants To Get Rid of Your Guns

While many in the politcal arena expected Governor Rick Perry of Texas to oppose the recent suggestions for stronger gun control, Perry trumped them all by suggesting that guns aren't needed at all. Only prayer is. "Laws, the only redoubt of secularism," Perry said, "will not suffice. Let us all return to our places of worship and pray for help. Above all, let us pray for our children."

This statement was a clear indication that, for Perry, gun control wasn't enough, but that our only line of defense is prayer to God himself. Perry added: "God is a real bastard-bitch-motherfucker, and if you forget even for one day to talk to him while on your knees, he will whisper in some gunman's ear and have him kill your children. Sandy Hook was proof of this. Neither more guns nor less guns are the answer. All we can do is beg God not to kill us."

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Mean Fat Kid in Class No One Likes Becomes Leader of a Country

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