Pope Blames Celibacy for Child Molesting in the Catholic Church

After years of blaming everything else (most recently secular pornography), Pope Benedict finally blames the chosen lifestyle of Catholic priests for sexual abuse toward children. "It's become clear now that absolute power over little boys paired with forced abstinence and no real consequences of their actions is a lethal combination," Pope Benedict said. The church plans to "phase out" celibacy among priests altogether and to finally turn in sex offenders to the police, rather than taking matters into their own hands.

Read the full story here.

US Senators Come Out of the Closet

Senators who block the appeal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" explain that this is their way of coming out of the closet. "Homophobia is a psychological problem," one explains, "that is rooted in self-hatred. This is our way of admitting that we're gay."

Read the full story here.

Republicans Admit That Blocking Health Care for 9/11 Responders Was Practical Joke

In a prank usually reserved for April Fool's Day, Republicans thought it would be "really funny" to pretend to deny health care to 9/11 responders. "Of course it was a joke," one Republican senator said. "9/11 has been our bread and butter for almost ten years. We'd be fools to do anything this stupid."

Read the full story here