Illinois Schools Appease Angry Gods

Mandatory "moments of silence" (a.k.a. prayers to the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob), which in Illinois schools had been deemed unconstitutional, are now considered constitutional. As the federal appeals court recently explained, "Hey, no one knows what the hell those students are doing during those ten seconds of silence. Maybe they're praying; maybe they're thinking about coloring books. Only our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ knows for sure." Since a moment of silence, if removed from the idea of prayer, becomes an arbitrary action, the schools also plan for mandatory touching of fingers to nose for five seconds, mandatory saying the word "lemon" twenty times in a row, and mandatory thinking about Neil Diamond's early years.

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AU Football Fans Continue To Destroy Own Environment

Students have been toilet-papering historical 130-year-old oak trees after Auburn University football victories for decades, even though they know it's killing the trees. "Man, we just love this tradition," said one student. "Auburn has won every game this year and, if we win the bowl game on Monday, we figure the trees'll die for sure." When asked how fans will TP trees that no longer exist, the student looked confused and shouted, "War Eagle!"

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Millions of People Have Likely Been in Coma for Past Two Years

If you've noticed that the world seems quieter lately, you're not alone. Joan Acocella, a writer for The New York Times, surmises that many people have been in comas for at least two years. If you want to find out who has been in a coma, ask them if they've read Stieg Larsson's Millennium trilogy (which begins with The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo). If they haven't, or simply don't answer, they are probably current or former coma victims.

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