Pope Uses Man as Prop for Newest Photo Op

Pope Francis is working on a collection of photographs about himself to be titled The Pope Condescends. He's already been seen washing feet, taking a bus, and refusing to wear a cape. As one observer put it, "Imagine a horribly abusive yet powerful man wearing a top hat. Now imagine a horribly abusive yet powerful man without a top hat. Francis is the guy without a top hat."

The newest photograph that will enter The Pope Condescends is a picture of Francis kissing a horribly disfigured man. When reached for comment, the Pope said, "Can you believe I actually touched this disgusting piece of shit? I mean, people line up to kiss my ring, and here I am grossing myself out with his boily-ass face."

It has been reported that Catholics and non-Catholics alike have been wetting their panties for the picture. "He's just like Jesus," one fan screamed. "Except that, unlike Jesus who apparently had the power to heal people in this condition, Francis just closes his eyes earnestly and waits for the flashbulbs. He's an absolute dream!"

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Pope Thinks Church Shouldn't Talk About Their Hates So Much

Pope Francis thinks that homosexuality is a sin, that abortion is a sin, that contraception is a sin, and that all will earn you a spot in Hell.  However, in a bold move, the Pope has encouraged the Catholic Church not to talk about these things so much.

In an interview, Pope Francis told a Jesuit journal, "Look, we already know that Catholics hate fags and women.  We've been doing a good job of repressing homosexuals to the point of turning them to pedophilia.  We've eliminated healthy options for women and their sexual partners.  We've done a good job ruining sex for everyone.  Let's think of some other area to fuck up."

But many are finding this liberal move to be too much.  Said one Bishop, "Why can't we ruin the best part of humanity and verbally rub it in everyone's face that we're doing so?  I mean, we didn't pull these rules out of our asses for nothin', did we?"

However, many are finding his views refreshing.  One homosexual male had this to say: "For years I felt persecuted by the Catholic church, even though I was raised in the church and considered it my family.  Sure, I have been irreparably damaged by them, as have people all across the world of every religion, but now it's nice to know that the new Pope has the dignity to not bring it up as much."

In a related story, a man who beats his wife regularly has vowed not to brag about it as frequently to his friends.

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Rick Perry Wants To Get Rid of Your Guns

While many in the politcal arena expected Governor Rick Perry of Texas to oppose the recent suggestions for stronger gun control, Perry trumped them all by suggesting that guns aren't needed at all. Only prayer is. "Laws, the only redoubt of secularism," Perry said, "will not suffice. Let us all return to our places of worship and pray for help. Above all, let us pray for our children."

This statement was a clear indication that, for Perry, gun control wasn't enough, but that our only line of defense is prayer to God himself. Perry added: "God is a real bastard-bitch-motherfucker, and if you forget even for one day to talk to him while on your knees, he will whisper in some gunman's ear and have him kill your children. Sandy Hook was proof of this. Neither more guns nor less guns are the answer. All we can do is beg God not to kill us."

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Mean Fat Kid in Class No One Likes Becomes Leader of a Country

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LifeWay Christian Resources Wants Women to Get Breast Cancer

LifeWay Christian Resources, part of the Southern Baptist Convention, are all about spreading the word of God, until it actually does someone any good. They recalled their pink Bibles when they found out the money went toward breast cancer screenings. A spokesperson said, "Look, selling Bibles was about two things: 1. Making money. 2. Ensuring oppression through our specific view of the Christian religion. When we found out that the sales of these Bibles were helping people, and in a quantifiable way, we were of course mortified." The spokesperson also claimed that this recall had something to do with abortion, but our research does not support his claim.

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Donald Trump Can't Decide If He's a Media Whore or an Actual Racist

"It's funny," an unusually reflective Donald Trump told our reporter. "Back when I was picking on Rosie O'Donnell, it was just my way of getting attention, and it made me laugh. I think she even liked it a little." Trump pauses, then adds, "But this stuff with Obama's birth certificate... I think I might really be a racist." When asked if all the "birthers" who didn't have TV shows to promote were undoubtedly racists, Trump said, "Of course."

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God Punishes Texas for Ignoring Separation of Church and State

Texas governor Rick Perry is asking his constituents to ask God to intervene in stopping the spread of wildfire caused by hot weather. However, when reached for contact, God himself said, "Why do you think I started those fires to begin with? Texas politicians have been pissing me off for years by blatantly ignoring separation of church and state." God added, "If the fires do stop, it will be natural causes, nothing to do with me. I've already washed my hands of the situation."

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