Rick Perry Wants To Get Rid of Your Guns

While many in the politcal arena expected Governor Rick Perry of Texas to oppose the recent suggestions for stronger gun control, Perry trumped them all by suggesting that guns aren't needed at all. Only prayer is. "Laws, the only redoubt of secularism," Perry said, "will not suffice. Let us all return to our places of worship and pray for help. Above all, let us pray for our children."

This statement was a clear indication that, for Perry, gun control wasn't enough, but that our only line of defense is prayer to God himself. Perry added: "God is a real bastard-bitch-motherfucker, and if you forget even for one day to talk to him while on your knees, he will whisper in some gunman's ear and have him kill your children. Sandy Hook was proof of this. Neither more guns nor less guns are the answer. All we can do is beg God not to kill us."

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Mean Fat Kid in Class No One Likes Becomes Leader of a Country

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LifeWay Christian Resources Wants Women to Get Breast Cancer

LifeWay Christian Resources, part of the Southern Baptist Convention, are all about spreading the word of God, until it actually does someone any good. They recalled their pink Bibles when they found out the money went toward breast cancer screenings. A spokesperson said, "Look, selling Bibles was about two things: 1. Making money. 2. Ensuring oppression through our specific view of the Christian religion. When we found out that the sales of these Bibles were helping people, and in a quantifiable way, we were of course mortified." The spokesperson also claimed that this recall had something to do with abortion, but our research does not support his claim.

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Donald Trump Can't Decide If He's a Media Whore or an Actual Racist

"It's funny," an unusually reflective Donald Trump told our reporter. "Back when I was picking on Rosie O'Donnell, it was just my way of getting attention, and it made me laugh. I think she even liked it a little." Trump pauses, then adds, "But this stuff with Obama's birth certificate... I think I might really be a racist." When asked if all the "birthers" who didn't have TV shows to promote were undoubtedly racists, Trump said, "Of course."

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God Punishes Texas for Ignoring Separation of Church and State

Texas governor Rick Perry is asking his constituents to ask God to intervene in stopping the spread of wildfire caused by hot weather. However, when reached for contact, God himself said, "Why do you think I started those fires to begin with? Texas politicians have been pissing me off for years by blatantly ignoring separation of church and state." God added, "If the fires do stop, it will be natural causes, nothing to do with me. I've already washed my hands of the situation."

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Only .01 Percent of Americans Work Hard While Others Are Lazy

Sources show that ten percent of Americans do a marginally decent job in working hard and earning money for their families, under one percent do a good job, under .1 percent do a great job, and only .01 percent do an outstanding (almost unbelievable) job, apparently the only ones in the country who really try. Amazingly, ninety percent of Americans are shown to be lazy and unambitious, not able to bring in a decent income.

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Illinois Schools Appease Angry Gods

Mandatory "moments of silence" (a.k.a. prayers to the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob), which in Illinois schools had been deemed unconstitutional, are now considered constitutional. As the federal appeals court recently explained, "Hey, no one knows what the hell those students are doing during those ten seconds of silence. Maybe they're praying; maybe they're thinking about coloring books. Only our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ knows for sure." Since a moment of silence, if removed from the idea of prayer, becomes an arbitrary action, the schools also plan for mandatory touching of fingers to nose for five seconds, mandatory saying the word "lemon" twenty times in a row, and mandatory thinking about Neil Diamond's early years.

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