Mean Fat Kid in Class No One Likes Becomes Leader of a Country

Read the full story here.

LifeWay Christian Resources Wants Women to Get Breast Cancer

LifeWay Christian Resources, part of the Southern Baptist Convention, are all about spreading the word of God, until it actually does someone any good. They recalled their pink Bibles when they found out the money went toward breast cancer screenings. A spokesperson said, "Look, selling Bibles was about two things: 1. Making money. 2. Ensuring oppression through our specific view of the Christian religion. When we found out that the sales of these Bibles were helping people, and in a quantifiable way, we were of course mortified." The spokesperson also claimed that this recall had something to do with abortion, but our research does not support his claim.

Read the full story here.

Donald Trump Can't Decide If He's a Media Whore or an Actual Racist

"It's funny," an unusually reflective Donald Trump told our reporter. "Back when I was picking on Rosie O'Donnell, it was just my way of getting attention, and it made me laugh. I think she even liked it a little." Trump pauses, then adds, "But this stuff with Obama's birth certificate... I think I might really be a racist." When asked if all the "birthers" who didn't have TV shows to promote were undoubtedly racists, Trump said, "Of course."

Read the full story here.

God Punishes Texas for Ignoring Separation of Church and State

Texas governor Rick Perry is asking his constituents to ask God to intervene in stopping the spread of wildfire caused by hot weather. However, when reached for contact, God himself said, "Why do you think I started those fires to begin with? Texas politicians have been pissing me off for years by blatantly ignoring separation of church and state." God added, "If the fires do stop, it will be natural causes, nothing to do with me. I've already washed my hands of the situation."

Read the full story.

Only .01 Percent of Americans Work Hard While Others Are Lazy

Sources show that ten percent of Americans do a marginally decent job in working hard and earning money for their families, under one percent do a good job, under .1 percent do a great job, and only .01 percent do an outstanding (almost unbelievable) job, apparently the only ones in the country who really try. Amazingly, ninety percent of Americans are shown to be lazy and unambitious, not able to bring in a decent income.

Read the full story here.

Illinois Schools Appease Angry Gods

Mandatory "moments of silence" (a.k.a. prayers to the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob), which in Illinois schools had been deemed unconstitutional, are now considered constitutional. As the federal appeals court recently explained, "Hey, no one knows what the hell those students are doing during those ten seconds of silence. Maybe they're praying; maybe they're thinking about coloring books. Only our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ knows for sure." Since a moment of silence, if removed from the idea of prayer, becomes an arbitrary action, the schools also plan for mandatory touching of fingers to nose for five seconds, mandatory saying the word "lemon" twenty times in a row, and mandatory thinking about Neil Diamond's early years.

Read the full story here.

AU Football Fans Continue To Destroy Own Environment

Students have been toilet-papering historical 130-year-old oak trees after Auburn University football victories for decades, even though they know it's killing the trees. "Man, we just love this tradition," said one student. "Auburn has won every game this year and, if we win the bowl game on Monday, we figure the trees'll die for sure." When asked how fans will TP trees that no longer exist, the student looked confused and shouted, "War Eagle!"

Read the full story here.

Millions of People Have Likely Been in Coma for Past Two Years

If you've noticed that the world seems quieter lately, you're not alone. Joan Acocella, a writer for The New York Times, surmises that many people have been in comas for at least two years. If you want to find out who has been in a coma, ask them if they've read Stieg Larsson's Millennium trilogy (which begins with The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo). If they haven't, or simply don't answer, they are probably current or former coma victims.

Read the full story here.